Well, this has been a frustrating week, weight-wise, and I am still definitely struggling with trying to come to peace with the fact that my body WILL be gaining no matter what I do, short of a very serious diet effort (which am not willing to undertake while pregnant - I'll accept weight loss, but only if it involves eating healthy food in satisfying quantities... no deprivation while trying to grow a person!).

The scale has been ads high as 216 and as low as 213.6... the lower end is still on the high side for how much weight I should be losing, based on calorie totals, which means that I am gaining genuine baby mass now. The kid is about the size of a large green olive and my uterus has swelled significantly with amniotic fluid, placenta, and said baby. I can feel it about halfway to my belly button already, which is definitely measuring on the large size for this gestational age.

So this, I suppose, is like a REAL taste of maintenance. I have to know that I am doing everything right and trust that the weight on the scale isn't because I am miscounting my calories, but because I am gaining lean mass, as it were, in the form of another person. The scale is fluctuating fairly reliably within a 213-214 pound radius most days, and I think it is a given at this point that this will be my lowest pregnancy weight, and it's up up up from here.

Some days I think I am okay with that, and other days I feel really disheartened by it. I won't stop weighing daily, it gives me some great clues as to what is going on with my metabolism and I know that often my weight spikes are only related to the dinner I can FEEL moving sluggishly through my system... but since I have been in weight loss mode for about 18 months, it is tough to settle into a different pattern while still being vigilant of my diet and exercise.

I admit, part of me still really wants to post a loss, or 'begin' this pregnancy around 210... I still feel like the vacation weight isn't coming off, so I am just adding to unnecessary poundage. It is fairly irrational, but there it is: I am still annoyed I had to fly down south and end up in food situations where I couldn't really track my calories as I like. I am a creature of habit, and those routine disruptions (and another on to come in April!) really bug me.

Still, I know what I have to do, and even by the strictest weight charts my gains in the first trimester are in the average-to-below-average range. Gaining four-ish pounds in ten weeks is not bad, according to those charts, and that comforts me a bit since I know some of that gain could have been avoided (thereby meaning my actual pregnancy gain is lower, which could signal that I will be able to manage gains in this pregnancy like I did in my last two). But I will say, being AWARE of my habits has made things a lot more stressful than the first two times around. I just ate what I wanted and lost weight... but now I am INCAPABLE of just eating and not thinking about the nutritional impact of the food on my body. In some ways, that is fabulous - its awfully hard to backslide up the scale in any significant way when you are naturally conscious of your hunger, how and when to satisfy it, and with what foods to do it with. I suppose the rub comes when you know you're doing everything right, and the creep up the scale is to be observed, but not *dealt with* as it would have been before pregnancy.

* * * *

All weight related angst aside, I actually have had a very good week with the pregnancy. As I mentioned before I am definitely showing, my uterus is quite high in my abdomen for this spot in the pregnancy and it has pushed a lot of other organs out of the way. Maternity clothes are a must at this point!

My symptoms have been mild, with just a few severe waves. I do, unfortunately, have a headcold, but hopefully it won't hang around too long.

The best thing that happened this week? I got to hear the baby's heartbeat, FINALLY! I have a doppler from the previous two pregnancies and have been checking for a heartbeat for over a week, but had no luck. Finally, on Monday, I pushed the probe much HIGHER than I had been previously checking, and within moments found a strong, fast, beautiful baby heartbeat that left me MUCH reassured as to the health of this pregnancy. I was pretty shocked to find it up so high, as my uterus should still be behind my pelvic bone at this stage in the pregnancy, but it was a good three inches higher. There's a few causes for that, the most likely being that my previous kiddos have stretched out the gym for this one, so it is easier for the n00b to expand that muscle than it was for them.

Either way, a heartbeat was exactly what I hoped to find. It lessens my chances for miscarrying dramatically, and made me feel much better about making a general pregnancy announcement to the few friends who haven't yet heard.

My appointment is next monday, and I do hope it goes well. In the meantime, I know I just need to watch the scale but not obsess and do my best to stay active and nourished, without worrying about what numbers may pop up. At this point I do think baby gain will mostly cancel out any calorie deficits on the scale, but I am comforted knowing those deficits WILL show after birth, and that having maintained my good habits will make losing baby weight after birth much more simple.

Onward I go!