So I was posting on one of the message boards I love for weight loss support, and I posted a before and after comparison of my new pictures with an old one. I hadn't realized it was the same shirt, but it is a motivating comparison, I think.

The before picture was at my MIL's home, when my first was just four or five months old (right before I became pregnant with my second). I don't know for sure, but I am guessing I was in the neighborhood of 250-260 pounds, and still thought I 'wore it well' (denial's a scary thing, folks!). Okay, here is a 'before' picture, from when I was around 250-260, four years ago (I think, hard to say) and my current progress picture, at 190. Now most of my weight has been lost through calorie counting, but hCG did the last twenty pounds :)

Now in contrast, the same top but a very different body.

Losing weight is hard, folks. It is a long, slow process with lots of emotional work, in addition to trying to work out the details of what your body needs you to fix to reach optimum health. Was I happy in the first picture? Sure! I loved my family and had a great life. But my health? Not so great. I was sore, slow, and had a hard time lifting the baby AND my butt up the stairs. I had no muscle tone. I also felt uncomfortable in my own skin all the time. I knew I was pretty and young - I am only 21 in that picture! But I felt old, inside and out, and worn down.

The second picture is four years later. I am stronger from working out and doing lots of activity each day around the house. I can run with my kids, sit cross legged on the floor with them, heft two or three of them at a time, if need be! It is the same shirt, and several sizes too large for me now, but I wear that baggy old thing with so much more confidence. I am still beautiful, but I feel like my outside is a better reflection of the young, happy woman I am inside. I am not 'better' or more virtuous after having lost weight - fat isn't a more judgment of one's worth. But I AM taking better care of myself and being a better steward of the resources I have been given. I'm not idolizing food quite as much anymore. And to be honest, these changes have taken place over the past two years, when my weight was higher than this, and during pregnancies and regains, too. These changes happen to have brought me down the scale, but I needed to adopt a more active, less indulgent lifestyle whether it changed my weight or not.

I still have lotsnof improvements to make. I need to be more diligent with my daily activities, I've been lazy again. I also need to work on some strength training, because I was blessed with a mesomorphic body that does beautifully when I lift heavy stuff, and I want to hone that. I also need to keep sticking to my guns on these challenging days of this diet, and figure out a maintenance way of eating that keeps me feeling good (likely paleo, with low to no grains, sugar, and starches). I need to keep working on my body image, and not forget that it is my inward woman that God is looking t, not my appearance. I need to be grateful every day for the things I have been blessed with - health, a family to care for, ample resources to even be able to DO a diet.

But all spiritual issues aside, it is good to take a step back and remember how far I've come, especially when the journey forward seems SO long. I have a lot of room for growth and change, physically and emotionally, and it is worth doing the hard work to keep at it.

Still, don't expect to see the orange shirt again. I'm kissing size 18 goodbye for good, when I am swimming in it! ;)