I had a rough, long, boring, stressful day today. It started early and has ended late, and I ate fairly badly for dessert tonight. I'll give my basic menu today, in the interest of full disclose.

Breakfast was some granola (homemade) and nonfat plain yogurt.

Lunch was carrots, an apple, a peach, and some leftover homemade pizza from last night. This was eaten at a six hour conference in place of the meal they served (which was overpriced and not that tasty, anyway).

Dinner was what my Inlaws served. I had a slice of block Parmesan for a snack. The main event was some hamburger and bratwurst with no buns, corn, some baked beans, grilled onion, and a small serving of rhubarb cobbler.

This wasn't bad, I was within or close to my daily calorie estimates, as far as I could tell. Deciphering the calories in my MIL's cooking is tricky, but she is a health nut and all the food was good quality and not laden with fat.

The problem came about when I got home from this day. I made my DH a cake for father's day and didn't use as much discretion as normal when cooking. I was still very full from dinner, but I WANTED cake batter and frosting. So I ate some, and maybe a 1/4 cup serving of peanut m&ms as well. But the cake was very rich - devils food cake with penuche fudge frosting - and I was physiologically full to begin with. I only had a small sliver of cake, an inch by two inches from my 9x13 pan, and a cup (literally) of milk. I was satisfied with that amount, I got a taste and was good.

But the previous junky foodfest hit my stomach and now I feel icky full, as often happens to me later in pregnancy (my uterus is mere inches from my sternum now, very squished stomach as a result). So while my eating was maybe 500 calories over my budget, maybe more, I feel MUCH worse than I would otherwise because of the lack of room. I feel like I ate a house instead of a few spoonfuls of frosting and a half cup of cake batter. It wasn't much of a binge, but it feels like it.

To learn from this, I do feel a little guilty, but I know beating myself up over one evening's worth of bad food, when the rest of the day was planned, is silly and pointless. I knew what I was doing when I did it, and it definitely was naughty and not very healthy. It also wasn't very satisfying. This does just reinforce why I usually eat moderately and enjoy some desserts but don't let myself go overboard. Some foods are tough for me, and brownie batter/chocolate cake batter/any cookie dough are at the top of the 'I have no control!' list. But I did only eat a sliver of the finished cake, with little desire for more over the next few days. It's simply too sweet and rich. And the batter is now out of my house, not to return any time soon. And my husband and kids will enjoy is treat without me feeling very tempted at all.

I can't shake my disappointment in my slip, especially since I usually do very well, and having the scale climbing up has made being vigilant a little more difficult than normal (its just the way pregnancy goes!). So I think my plan it to remember is feeling of icky over-fullness, the sweetness that is more sickly than tasty to me, and the fact that even a few counted and measured slices of homemade pizza sit in my belly just fine provided I have eaten a lot of fiber and not OVEReaten on the richer foods. A little goes a long way, and this just reminds me how much I need to listen to my fullness cues and not overeat. It just isn't a pleasant thing to do.

So I have fessed up to a bad evening. My game plan, as always, despite any guilt I may feel, is to get right back on the horse tomorrow morning with a healthy breakfast, a solid lunch, and a very light dinner (those seems to be the combo that helps me avoid heartburn the best in the evenings). The scale may go way up due to sugar and salt, as well as sleep deprivation lately. But what the scale does doesn't need to affect my health or responses to my situation. As o have said countless times, I control my eating, and the scale will go where it may. Overeating during pregnancy, especially, is NOT worth it, and if the scale does go up, I am committed to that reason NOT being my lack of healthy habits of vigilance over what goes in my mouth.

I am by no means a diet Nazi, but there is just next to no payoff to indulging in the things I did tonight. I know why I did it - stress, exhaustion, availability, and a handy excuse of a holiday for my sweets-loving husband. But none of those are good enough reasons to feed that empty junk to my body and overstuff myself to the point of discomfort. So onward I go from tonight, and tomorrow morning will be just as it usually is - healthy and on plan. We all slip and fall, but the real strength is in getting back up.

So it has been spoken of on here before, but I will reiterate it again: I am a daily weigher. I do this so I can chart exactly how my body responds to food and exercise, as well as things like pregnancy and vacations. And those things - both pregnancy and vacations - have laid themselves out in fine form on the last six months of my chart. Behold!

This is the data from my weights from the middle of December to today. The gray line is the actual data, the red line is the overall adjusted trend of what those numbers actually DID. The flat parts of the line indicate times I was away from the scale for vacations. January and February's flat lines were the trips to California for my Grandmothers' funerals, the long flat portion in April was the trip to Michigan to visit my husband's family and friends.

There is a clear pattern demonstrated by these events - I have a flat line (vacation), followed by high spiking weights (sodium, water retention from travel, stress), and then a gradual downward trend to a stable weight for a few weeks or months until the next vacation, or a slight upward trend when I started gaining some baby weight.

Why I am showing you these charts, or explaining my weight patterns to you?

Well, for starters, a lot of people in the weight loss blogosphere would see such a chart and point out the massive fluctuations, the gains, the returns to normal, the overall NOT loss pattern of it. They would be horrified if this were their personal chart, it looks that bad. The graph doesn't lie, I gained weight overall, even with the corrections after travel.

But that isn't what I see. For starters, this is a pregnancy, and a HEALTHY pregnancy. Yes, I have gained weight, but even with the initial shock of the jagged daily inputs and the condemning upward trail of the bright red line (kind of reminds you of a teacher's grading pen, doesn't it?), we must assess the data as a whole, and that is an exercise is self acceptance, understanding, and knowledge of one's body AND habits. It is a marvelous thing to behold, and EXPLAINABLE!

No gain is unexplained in the journal notes that go along with these weights. There were the trips, dates with my husband, salty soups, any number of workout routines tried, a few mornings of constipation, and any number of normal water weight fluctuations that go along with being a human being.

Then there's the overall trend, which looks pretty bad without the margins, but let's take it in context of the units measured. I went up approximately seven pounds from my low pre-pregnancy weight (210-211) to today (216-217). That was over the course of SIX months. I managed to eat reasonably enough that I have only gained .18 pounds per week. Less than a FIFTH of a pound per WEEK of gestation. The daily calorie excess isn't even accurate, as it cannot account for the fact that I am growing a human being, with all the assorted biological sundry along with it (placenta, amniotic fluid, our son's own rapidly gaining mass). I started this segment of my weight journey, post Christmas holiday season, with a good weight (just barely dipping below 210) and a small bunch of growing and dividing cells. Now I am here, six months heavier, with a two pound, 14 inch baby inside, a slimmer face, fuller bust, rounder hips, and a whole BUCKETFUL more knowledge about myself and my weight loss than I had when I began.

Along the red trend line, what you don't see, is that I have essentially maintained or even LOST excess weight while still keeping a healthy set of habits and a reasonably healthy lifestyle. I have faithfully logged my weight and food and kept up on my healthy habits without ANY real scale payback. God has blessed me with, not only my wonderful unborn son, but a trial period of weight maintenance and habit development that will bless me for the rest of my life. I have LEARNED how to be a maintainer, before the heartbreak and confusion of getting to a goal weight and then having to figure out what is next. Through this chart that is GAINING despite my healthiest habits and efforts, I have learned to make peace with my body and what *I* need to do to both manage my weight AND live my life in balance.

For me, daily weighing has been invaluable, both through pregnancy and before. It has taught me what my body does and why, how I respond to the stimuli and input (food) I experience, how I lose and what is a real issue (the red trend line going up when I am in losing mode) and what is just my body functioning as it should (PMS bloat, excess water weight that will subside, pregnancy gains, etc). I have been able to take random numbers generated from the scale and create data I can USE to understand how I function best, and what I need to do to see the scale go down, up, AND stay fairly even. I have had that entire scope of experience in the past six months, and I am better because of it.

This chart isn't failure, it is empowerment. It has taken power away from the scale and given it to ME, by helping me understand what the numbers mean and what to expect from my routine, instead of me sitting on the scale Monday morning and praying things turn out the way I want them to. With that trend line I can see if my eating genuinely has me headed for a gain and correct it BEFORE the pounds pile on, as much as I can see when I have a sodium spike that is nothing to freak out about. I also have learned how to keep the whole thing in perspective, and that the number on the scale doesn't reflect my worth as a person or EVEN my success as a dieter. Its' going up with the baby has made it necessary for me to divorce habits I KNOW are good from a scale that, without context, would indicate failure. I can be content and healthy without needing the validation of dropping weight. I will NOT yo yo diet and get frustrated by maintenance because my perspective has been shifted to a very different outlook. I have been moved beyond scale dependence, because I know what the numbers do and don't mean.

So for me, I am absolutely proud of the numbers in my sidebar, and proud of this chart. I am not ashamed by the spikes after junk food, vacations, or what have you, and not perplexed over why it went down one week and up another. Daily weight tracking has been absolutely crucial to my success as a dieter, because it has given me the perspective I need to do this for the rest of my life.

Is this something that might be suitable for YOU? We don't all fall pregnant along our weight loss journeys, but daily data gives us more information to work with and a more accurate picture of what our bodies are doing than weekly weights. It might be just the ticket you need to help you move past perpetual diet mode and into the mindset of a maintainer. If you would like to start your own chart, this is one of many resources that can help you do it: The Hacker's Diet Log.

How often do you weigh and what made you choose that frequency?

Appointment went well.  My blood pressure is great at 110/75, baby boy was kicking up a storm and moving to the point that Dr. Bell couldn't even tell what position he was in, because he kept changing it :)

I am up 4-6 pounds at 24 weeks, depending on what scale and time of day the weight is taken, which is great news.  Unfortunately I am too wiped out to do much exercising right now and even the slightest walking or lifting has been making me contract. I am not on bedrest, but the doctor does want me to take it easy.  Oh, and I am not crazy after all, my fundal height is measuring in at 29 weeks instead of 24, so the early heartburn issues make a little more sense.

If I start contracting again like I did this weekend I am supposed to head into the OB triage at the hospital to be checked out. This just goes to show how different every pregnancy is, I had NO preterm issues with the girls!

So yup, I think that is the bulk of the news.  My next appointment marks my third trimester, nasty glucose test, and the home stretch of this thing! It does look like my exercise schedule may be on permanent hiatus for the remainder of this, if walking around a grocery store makes me contract! I am still cleaning and running the house at my normal level without issue, so my NEAT is fairly high. My concentration right now is still on tightening up the eating side of things again. I have been craving protein like crazy, and given that my weight jumped AND my uterus measurement jumped, I think that protein was to facilitate a baby growth spurt. I am getting enough protein and fruit, but vegetables have been a sad, sorry affair. Fortunately, it is a fixable problem!

All in all, I am very happy with how this pregnancy is progressing. I will post another belly picture in the next few weeks to show how round a short gal like me gets during pregnancy, as well as a face shot update to boost my self esteem and show off my hard work in making my hair healthier too. I think I need some vanity sessions, to distract myself from the constant struggle of accepting a rising scale no matter WHAT I am eating :)

Take care, everyone! 

Okay everyone, this is just a quick note - I had some ouchie contractions this weekend and have been generally exhausted and somewhat sore from our son laying transverse in my pelvis, so that has hampered a lot of additional activity, but I did weigh in at 216.8 this morning, which may be a bit high considering the sodium in my dinners the past two nights!

I have an OB appointment this afternoon I am getting ready for right now, so if anything eventful happens there I'll update you. I am also 24 weeks today, which is the cusp of viability, should our son be born early. YAY! In other baby related news, my brother's girlfriend is pregnant with her 4th (second with him), I just found out a few minutes ago, and a friend of mine from church is pregnant with her 3rd. Congratulations to all the pregnant mamas!

Word to the wise - before your weekly weigh-in it isn't the best idea to load up on sodium and carbohydrates. No, really it isn't. Because it WILL make you retain water and generally do wicked things to the scale.

Yesterday was a BAD food day. Not out of control, but not super healthy choices either. I gave in and ate what my husband makes the kids for Sunday breakfast - pancakes and eggs (I added the protein in for myself, he didn't make them any). Lunch was a beef soup (healthy but still salty), nectarine, and some lava cake (carbs and deliciousness, though only about 300 calories a serving). Dinner was sushi with lots of soy sauce and some unsweetened iced tea. Not a terrible day, no binges, but over my calorie preferences AND full of things that do not make the scale respond kindly.

But as with all things, I am far from beating myself up over this. As a daily weigher I could predict what this would do to me - I went from averaging in the mid 216's with baby weight bloated up to 218.0 with all of those water-retaining nutrients this morning. I know I didn't gain two pounds this week and tomorrow will likely see me back to my normal slow up-trending pattern, but there was definitely a rueful chuckle as I stepped on the scale this morning!

Though I have been sapped of energy lately, I am absolutely planning on doing a short workout this afternoon. I need to keep my base muscle tone up to help me with this birth, and slacking on moving isn't going to help me in the long run. So I will still be taking it easy, but vacation time is OVER right now, when it comes to my health! I am still going to gain, that's a feature of pregnancy I can't avoid, but I need to maximize my health in the meantime, So, I'm working on it :)

How did all of you do this weekend? On plan or off the rails?

I ended up not going in to have my hand looked at, as it wasn't getting any worse. My body seems to have fought whatever nastiness was associated with the bite and the swelling is pretty much gone. The whole area still itches but it is definitely on the mend, which is great!

The scale has stuck at 216.4 for three days in a row, so I am assuming that, holiday or growing baby, that is my accurate weight. It is up about six pounds from my pre pregnancy estimate and up about three from what the doctor measured me at for ten weeks gestation, so I'm quite happy with that. I am still struggling with lethargy and not doing my exercise block but that's okay, I am really not feeling like pushing at myself right now and need rest instead. I could beat myself up over my lack of exercise, but honestly I am still doing a lot of standing and moving throughout the day, just not a lot of hard, intentional movement. I feel okay today but my husband will be coming home early for a church thing we have, so I will be using my exercise block of time to start early on dinner before we go.

I think it is important to remind myself that NONE of this is failure. I am healthy and fairly active, my body is handling pregnancy fatigue and aches very well, but it's not the time to push myself hard if my energy or joints aren't up to to it. I still want to do more, but my body isn't really up for it right now.

I've had a few splurgy treats for eating, but overall am doing fine on that and staying around my calorie budget. No serious weightloss has occurred, I don't think, but I am not gaining either. This is as good as I Dan ask for in the holding pattern that is the next few months. I don't know if I'll make 189 by January this year or not, since I will only have two months postpartum and that assumes no stitches or surgery to recover from, but I can't say this year was bad in terms of weight if I consider how much I'd have gained if I wasn't watching what I ate. Probably 250 and higher, I'm sure. So maintenance really has been a feat unto itself and I know I should be proud and not frustrated. Like I said, I just need to keep reminding myself of how well I am doing and how far I have come, instead of frustration at a perceived 'lack of progress'.

It's all about progress and not perfect, after all :)

Excuse the lack of updates, it was sheer laziness on my part!

Things are going well enough here, though I have had a rougher time exercising this past week due to general busyness and exhaustion, but am trying to fix that this week (no success yet, and tonight will be no exception, sadly!). Eating has been okay, though still a little short of veggies most of the time. Several get-togethers this weekend upped my sodium and junk food totals a bit, so I was not surprised to weigh in on Sunday at 216.6, and Tuesday at 217. It's the nature of holiday food, it will go away soon enough :)

On Memorial Day I got a mosquito bite on my hand and it has only become worse, with my whole hand now swelling with cellulitis. So this afternoon my husband is coming home early to take me to the doctor and make sure I don't have what I think I have - which is a bacterial infection from the stupid bug. Worst case scenario I end up on antibiotics and my guts are unhappy for a week or two. Its better than having sepsis during pregnancy, thats for sure, and I will be glad for anything to take away the pain and tenderness of the whole top of my hand right now. It's obnoxious!

Let's see, anything else? I definitely can't wear anything but maternity gear now, outside the house at least. All my non-maternity shirt ride up embarrassingly. I also had to dig out a bra that was previously just a bit too big in the cups and make that my standard, because everything else was too tight and not supporting me anymore, especially since the bands became loose with weightloss. So I am in a 38-40J right now, which is massive, but I actually look slimmer and better shaped in a bra of the correct size, as they show off my waist and make everything sit where it is supposed to. They don't look huge under clothes, so I'll take what I can get ;)

Scheduling is still going well, with some flexibility thrown in for tired mornings and late night - I have, unfortunately, been skipping my morning bible study for some extra sleep, but I am hoping to resume it tomorrow. And on the scheduling note, I now I have to go clean bathrooms, so I'll leave it here.

How did all of YOU do with your Memorial Day eating? Was it stressful, fun, on plan, off plan, etc? I just madr sensible choices and enjoyed myself, and I honestly didn't bother tracking more than the basic calories as best I could approximate. I'm okay with that!

Get your vegetables, crazy lady!

Seriously self, I know you're staying within your calories, and protein is the MOST important when growing a human being, but the quality of the calories is at LEAST as important as the quantity of them. You're eating good, but cut out some treats and add back in some roughage, for the sake of your colon, if nothing else!

There is no excuse for being entirely on plan except for missing most fruit/veggie servings. I want to see ONE OF EACH AT *LEAST* every meal, six servings, minimum, per day. You're eating about four. Do better, because you KNOW you feel better when you do.

I'm doing my part, you hold up your end of the bargain.

Sincerely, Your Guts

Another week of not much to say, forgive my boring maintenance mode :)

This morning found me at 215.2, which is what I was bouncing back and forth to all week, when salt bloat subsided in waves. I exercised four of the five days of the week, and just got back from biking the kids to the park again today, with strength training this afternoon. Perhaps the biggest health side effect of maintaining my schedule is having no excuse to not exercise, as incidental exercise is booked in everyday at 11:00 (in the form of taking the kids down to the park on my bike or hanging with them in the yard) and intentional workout time everyday from 4-5:00. I usually spend the latter time either walking weighted miles with Walk Away The Pounds (Leslie Sansone) or strength training with resistance bands, and it feels GREAT. Then, just because I am pregnant and all, I even have an hour nap from 5-6:00 and if I am not tired then it is reading/knitting/DVD/bloggy time. All this, and I still get sections of the house cleaned daily, as well as laundry done, homeschooing, dinner prep and cleanup, and time with my husband. I am up and about SO much more, I cannot say enough about how great it is to be getting so much done. And obviously, I am burning a ton more calories as well.

The exercise (strength training, especially) has been key in keeping my weight down, I think, as well as upping my energy and lowering my hip and pelvic pain. When my muscles are stronger, my joints take less of a beating. Its just that simple.

I am currently reading an AMAZING book, New Rules of Lifting For Women, and cannot wait to begin strength training more vigorously, to build some real muscle and increase my fitness and daily calorie burn, I am active enough right now that I am seriously considering upping that exercise during pregnancy and seeing how my body handles it, but if all else fails I can just keep on walking and doing my resistance exercises and hopefully will be in good, strong shape for birth. I will confess that I have been feeling a real drive to move my fitness away from endurance exercises and into strength, given my personal goals and body composition I think I will get a lot more out of it in terms of fitness bang for my hourly buck, and I want to be a STRONG mama as these pounds drop, not just fat-skinny and weak. Especially given the health problems I do have, minor as they are, I know the key is in not taxing my tendons and joints but bolstering my musculature.

So that's what has been on my mind lately.

On a fairly unrelated side note, today marks 20 wells passed, so I am in my fifth month of pregnancy and approximately halfway through! Somehow, it has started RACING by instead of the creep of earlier this year. Hubby and I have also decided on a name for our son, though we're still testing it out mentally to see if it will stick. I am not sure at this point if I will share it before birth or not, but it is one we both like a lot.

Um... Am I forgetting anything? I have been giving into more fast food cravings than usual, but am just logging the calories and moving on. I am obviously not gaining from them, but I know they are not the best choices in terms of nutritional density. So my ongoing goal is to keep my junk food intake to a minimum and eat out only on my date night with my husband on Saturdays. It's not affecting my healthy eating the rest of the time, nor am I bingeing on it (I am satisfied on a LOT less food when eating out than I used to be!) but it's something I want to keep to a rare treat, as it has been for the past two years. I'm not worried, but that is where I am right now. Fit, energetic for the most part, productive, REproductive, and generally plugging along with my eating, food logging, and weight.

As always, nothing to complain about. Life keeps marching on and weight is only a background concern, for which I am VERY thankful!

So I am 24 today.

Honestly, I feel a lot older. Not in any bad way, I'm not jaded or tired, but I am at a very different place in my life that I thought I would be when I considered my future as a teen. And I am also in a very different place than most of my age-based peers. My circle of support, my social group, consists of a bunch of 30-45 year old married-with-kids, not weekend binge drinkers working on their masters or trying to navigate the job market and make their rent. It's hard to believe where life has taken me, but I wouldn't change a thing. Quite the contrary, it has turned out better than I could have ever planned it, myself. So a lovely family, amazing marriage, and fabulous daily life later, happy birthday to ME!

On weight related ramblings - I was 215.2 today, so my salt retention has tapered off nicely. And I am about 30 pounds lighter than I was at this time last year, YAY!

I had another great day of scheduling, and I've worked out five of my six scheduled days I was able to. I did mostly 1-2 mile walks with upper body weight work at the same time, and it has definitely been intense.  Not only that, but my NEAT (non-exercise activity thermogenesis, google it kids!) is worlds higher than what it was, due to reducing my sitting time from several hours throughout the day to, literally, an hour of time while still awake.  I'm up and about constantly and it feels GOOD to be so on top of everything.  My calorie burn is much higher, though i cannot quantitate it with my daily weighing due to pregnancy adding pounds, I can FEEL the difference in my metabolism and my energy. I am more tired at the end of the day, and consequently sleep better too, but while I am awake I have an amazing amount of energy compared to how felt even a few months before the pregnancy, when I was about the same weight but much more sedentary and lazy. Activity breeds energy, as counterintuitive as it sounds, it's absolutely true!

So it's been a good year. A wonderful year. Filled with lots of challenges and lots of changes, and a fair share of heartbreak too. But that's the way life goes, and mine has been wonderfully blessed. I am invigorated for another year of life, healthier and stronger than ever before. I have so much to look forward to, and at this point my biggest struggle is just to take it all in with the amount of appreciation, humility, and thankfulness that so many blessings deserve.

Thank you Lord, for these days you have given me!

First off, let's get the basics out of the way. I exercised intentionally three times out of four days last week, and went outside/to the park each of those days as well. I weighed in at 215.8 Sunday morning, and was up two pounds this morning from a heavenly, but salty, pho soup last night. I still feel great.

Now, to the important and fun stuff:

We had our ultrasound this morning (and I only got four hours of sleep, so I am dying for a nap after this!) and everything looked great. The sonographer was able to get all the important angles and no visible problems were present. Great heart, kidneys, stomach, brain, spine, even down to a perfect palate and nasal bridge.

And the other thing that was present? A penis! Oh yes, we are indeed expecting our first SON, to add to our lovely daughters. I am over the moon with excitement that everything on him looked good, and that the pressure for producing a boy is now off for all future children. It really was a huge relief.

So my week is made. I had a fabulous 4th anniversary last Thursday and combination Mothers Day/Anniversary dinner on Saturday. I will be 24 in two days as well, and that should be fun. Everything has continued to go well as we adjust to the schedule (and to interruptions, like everyone waking up several hours early this morning), my food is pretty good (I need to focus on getting more veggies in again, though), and I am moving around more than I ever did, even when I am NOT intentionally exercising. All in all I am just so happy with how things are progressing, and thank God for all these blessings I've been given in a healthy body, healthy family, new baby, etc.

All in all, it's been a darn good week. Yay for sons!

Hey all :)

It was a good and healthy week, and after popping out visibly over the weekend I am also up to 215.8 (though at least smidge of that is sodium from some absolutely fabulous homemade popcorn). I feel good and look good, have stayed on plan very well. So why, you ask, would the blog title imply I am taking a little bit of an online break? Usually, in the world of weightless blogs, that means falling off the wagon big time.

Well for me, it's an indicator of wonderful success! Remember how I talked about trying to finish/establish my schedule, and needed to improve my home management? Well after a TON of prayer, the Lord really guided me through and helped me achieve that end, and I not only completed my schedule, but I actually implemented it for the first time today. And even more miraculous? I stuck to it like glue, without a ton of issues. It took a lot of prayer and some discipline, but it paid off in a very productive and smooth day for the entire family.

The schedule itself has literally been six months in the making, and actually writing it out, cutting out the pieces, praying over it and running it by my husband and then sticking it together and pinning it up on the wall... That took two hours over the weekend and all of my free time Monday afternoon. But it was totally worth it. I biked my kids down to the park, cleaned for an hour and forty minutes, and walked a weighted, aerobic mile with a Leslie Sansone DVD. I also got laundry folded, three meals made with complete cleanup, AND an hour nap. Heck, Callie even got a half hour of preschool in. It was a huge success, and I know it my heart this is what I have been needing to do for two years. I only regret that procrastination and sin kept me from completing it, but the Lord has been so faithful in answering my prayers in this area and I feel a complete sense of peace.

In addition to honoring and assisting my husband, spending more time daily in scripture and prayer, and being a better mother to my children, this schedule also gives me two times the daily exercise - with my kids AND a workout alone, during their nap. Food is about the last thing on my mind except during mealtimes, and I am having even LESS trouble sticking to my food plan than normal, given a more structured day.

Now, after all those good things, here is one more arguable good thing - my time during the day is being monopolized by much more important things than food and weightloss, or the Internet, I have scheduled computer time each day, but it is more limited than it used to be and in this forced maintenance mode I don't really benefit from a lot of blog involvement on my own little corner of the internet. I'm happy, things are going well, and spending more time away from the computer is a GOOD thing for me. So given these factors and my limited internet time, I will still do a basic weekly check in, but in general I will be updating less and have less to say for at least a little while. I feel really at peace with a less active presence online right now, and have cut out most websites I used to visit completely. The blog I follow, 3FC, and a few other select sites will still be on my daily visit list, but I just don't have a lot to say right now about life and weightloss.

Everything is good, and good makes for boring, repetitive blog topics unless you're a particularly committed blogger (trust me, I'm not!).

So I'm still here, every day, cheering you all on. I just have less to say right now. Life's uncomplicated and happy, I am blessed and have finally gotten the biggest 'issue' left untouched in my life under control and with great success. Like weight management, home management and my relationships with those I love are an ongoing process that I have to work on and succeed in daily. Right now I am feeling very called to focus on both of these, but I don't need to or have mental energy to expend recounting every boring detail online.

I still log my weight daily, I am exercising MORE than I have in four months, and I am more committed than ever, even in this maintenance, to do the very best I can. I am praying about this and feel very strongly that, right now, I am being led away from being online more than is essential. I did not want to get quieter online without an explanation, lest you all assume what *I* would, which is that this blog went the way of so many others and I fell off the wagon but was too ashamed to admit it, so I just disappeared. The reality is 100% the opposite, and I am very joyful for it.

I may do some blogging about the details of my schedule, and log my weekly exercise time in when I post my weight update for the week, but in lieu of greater details just assume that things are staying very much the same - comfortable, managed, and progressing very well indeed.

Praise the Lord - none of these wonderful changes in my life over the course of this journey are on my own power, its all grace and His faithfulness to me, in the end :)

Up on Sunday to 214.2, I'm really happy with that :).

I feel pretty good, look cute, and am keeping up with the kids without issue. Right now, however, I have to make dinner for said kids, and don't have much time to type. I forgot to weigh on Monday so Sunday will have to do, but overall I am eating on plan and having a steady, slow upward trend. If this holds, I'll gain around ten pounds during the pregnancy, and that is fabulous!

So yeah, weight is good, life is busy, time marches on. See ya later!

Fast little weight update - after suffering from the stomach flu and getting appreciably better by Tuesday (rough from Sunday to then) I suspected my weight was artificially low from vomiting and general dehydration. After all, it had been 215-ish for half of the previous week, once the major vacation/airport bloat settled.

However, it is now Friday and I can safely say that I DID manage to lose some weight from last week, to be sitting firmly in the 214-214.8 range, and I suspect my ease in doing this is related to diminished stomach capacity and a general boredom with eating when I am not hungry. I still hit the occasional emotional food moment where I have to brace myself (and do occasionally give in) as well as a pregnancy craving here or there, but overall I am sitting happily with logging my food and weight daily. I can honestly say I do not spend the time immediately after one meal considering the next, and am not fixated by food.

I've never been a binger, but this is still HUGE for me. All my life I have been preoccupied with eating - I LOVE food, for hunger, taste, emotional distress, enjoyment, rewards, you name it. And even upon buckling down and changing my lifestyle I still maintained a preoccupation with food, it just morphed a bit into a control game, instead of just self-indulgent mode. But something seems to have quietly, subtly mentally shifted, and I find myself mostly free from bondage to food.

Maybe it is that my goal has become more important, life has become too busy, or that my focus has shifted to other parts of my body than my weight. I am not eating fabulously, with some days having far less roughage than they should, but I am not eating everything in sight for any old reason either. I eat when I am hungry and generally stop when I am full but not overstuffed. I indulge in treats, but don't get out of control - a serving is generally enough. I practice moderation on almost all foods and nothing is off limits. I don't obsess over what I am eating or will eat. I log my food and weight with neutral emotions - no "Bad Taryl, you messed up!" or "Great job, the scale will show a loss for sure!".

Somewhere along this journey, I stopped being preoccupied with my diet and exercise because there was too much other stuff to do. Even if it is just vegging on the couch, avoiding a chore, I am not feeling the need to EAT as a diversion.

I suspect this is related to maintenance. Because I can't really focus on losing weight, I am essentially in a healthy holding pattern, my behaviors with food can be looser than when I am trying to lose weight. And unlike BEFORE I tried to change my habits and was 250-260 pounds, my default daily eating is healthy, serving-size appropriate, and pretty well balanced. I'm not winning any veggie-eating awards, but I'm doing just fine. So *now*, at least, in this superimposed maintenance mode, I am genuinely finding my focus doesn't HAVE to be on food, good or bad, for me to live my life without regaining. These habits are automatic for me, and they're kicking in without me even realizing it.

I also suspect that when the baby comes, my stomach volume increases HUGELY overnight again and I am being drained of calories via breastfeeding, that this will shift back into active weight loss mode and more focus will be back on food (as it has to be, at least temporarily, while trying to establish a different calorie intake again). And when I am actively trying to affect the scale I think it will be hard NOT to scrutinize and plan my meals more, it's all just part of changing a variable to achieve a lower weight.

But I am really comforted and thrilled with the fact that I don't have to be food focused forever to avoid a regain. Basic vigilance and preventative steps, in the form of tracking my calories and weight, are really all the tools I need to maintain at these levels. I imagine daily or reasonably regular activity will also factor into maintenance. But somehow, somewhere along this journey, a lifelong obsession with tasty eats became manageable WITHOUT excess. I still enjoy delicious food AND some junkier fare, but like a naturally skinny person, I seem to have achieved a balance that doesn't skew me towards gain OR loss. With a few simple steps each day I am managing to be 'normal' with my eating and not mentally fighting myself to stay on plan and focus on anything other than my next meal.

Rambly though it may be, this revelation elicits a hearty "yay!" from me! So here's to 214 and wherever else the scale goes right now. I'm doing just fine, looking forward to losing more in the future, and reestablishing this content, manageable maintenance mode in the future, at my goal weight :)

My weight today was 213.6, with some caveats.

I have been clocking around 215 for a few days, so I do believe that is more accurate. Somewhere along the lines I caught a stomach bug or food poisoning, and spent most of last night throwing up everything that had ever been in my stomach and fighting lower gastro issues as well. FUN! So I do think that, plus my aversion to eating ANYTHING right now, may have given me a slightly-lower-than-truly-representative weight this morning.

Still, I left for the vacation at 211 and am back at 213-215... It's two weeks of baby gain AND not logging my food, so I'll take it with a grin!

Given that I feel like absolute crap and have no energy to speak of (probably dehydration and a lack of fuel for the muscles) I am not planning on exercising today. That's okay - taking it easy and getting lots of rest will benefit my body far more than pushing too hard and causing myself injury or exhausting myself and delaying my healing from whatever is (making me miserable) ailing me.

Being sick sucks for sure, but there's always a silver lining to even the worst of days. Since I weighed in at OVER 220 when I got off the plane, I consider leveling out a few pounds higher than my previous weight to be quite nice, indeed.

How did YOU do this week?

Diane, over at Fit to the Finish, had a phenomenal blog post today that tied right into where I am with my fitness, I urge you to go check it out and be inspired both by her, and her commenters.

Tying into the comment I left there, here's my report of how my walking went yesterday afternoon:

I admit, my fitness goals are modest at best! My current lame, but achieved, goal was to not let my inability to keep using the exercise bike during pregnancy be an excuse to not move at all and sink into laziness. Especially after a two week disruption of routine, it would have been SO easy to just laze around and not get moving.

But I said I wanted to walk most days of the week and I meant it! I found some shoes, made some time, crossed my fingers that I wouldn't wake the kids and walked three miles at home. Given how prone to laziness and procrastination I am, this was a true victory. It isn't a 5k, it's not even leaving my home... But it is me, showing my commitment to myself and my will to continue to persevere.

It doesn't matter how many times I fall off the wagon, or how many excuses I give myself. It doesn't even matter how often I fail at the goals I set for myself. Every day is a new opportunity to try and do better, and I won't give up. This is a lifelong process and I am only 18 months into it, and more committed than ever. I AM succeeding, the weight is staying off, even without the gratification of seeing the scale drop or seeing sizes get smaller, I know in my heart I am staying the path through a difficult set of circumstances and I am PROUD of myself.

So I will walk again, and again, and again, because that is the promise I make myself. I won't fulfil it everyday, things will come up and I WILL fall into old habits now and again, but I will keep coming back every morning and renewing that promise to myself. I will keep trying again. I have been blessed with a spirit of joy and perseverence and through a lot of prayer and fastidious committment I will keep on the path set before me in this and other areas of my life.

I know what I need to do, it is just a matter of a willingness to do it. And so for that, I'll keep walking.

Here's to another 3 miles today!

Well I survived my 'vacation' (read: obligatory trip) to Michigan and surrounding areas, only a little worse for wear, and am HAPPILY back home with my routine, my internet, and my house rules!

I gained some weight on the trip and I am still waiting to see what is 'real' and what is residual airport bloat, so my first official weigh in will be the normal one on Monday. Due to almost everything being homemade and in unmeasured quantities (I was dealing with a 93 year old woman, I wasn't going to offend her or put her out in any way with my preferred food habits!) I did not log my food the entire trip, but now that I am home everything is being accounted for and written down again.

All in all it went well, but traveling with two small children over a huge time change and with lots of car and plane time is EXHAUSTING. I think my husband and I were honestly more tired DURING and AFTER the vacation than we were BEFORE it, which is absolutely amazing given what our schedule was looking like!

In other general news I feel pretty good - I did score some new walking shoes that fit better and am looking forward to doing some walking during the week, and I also got a new maternity wardrobe that is ALL XL's!!!!! I was in 3x for most of my tops and 1x-2x for my pants, and now I can shop a CLEARANCE RACK and find things that fit in normal sizes! 75% of the store I couldn't even look for clothing in, I was reduced to a plus-sized 'corner', and now I can look at something cute and almost guarantee the store will have it in my size. The only trick is that, due to my HUGE bust (which has not reduced in size even with 45 pounds of weight loss) some cuts of tops (empire, mostly) with seams under the bust do NOT fit, even in a 3x... the seam just cuts right across my boobs in a VERY unflattering way. But having certain styles that don't flatter/fit me is a heck of a lot different than not being able to shimmy into STRETCH pants in a normal size!

Needless to say, it was quite a thrilling NSV. And since these clothes were purchased at Birch Run, arguably the US's largest outlet mall, I also paid about $219 for over $400 worth of clothes! SCORE!

* * * * *

In pregnancy news, I am quite popped out now, and feeling great. I had an appointment yesterday and everything looked good - baby's heart rate was found immediately and chugging away, my blood pressure was 100/69, my fundal height was 18 cm (I always measure large because I am short :)... everything was as it should be. I was given a referral to schedule my second trimester biophysical (the sex ultrasound, to most people) and my next appointment is scheduled on my birthday, May 12th. The ultrasound will be scheduled sometime earlier in that week, I think, as they want me to be about 19 weeks for the scan.

I'm excited and feeling pretty good for the most part - back pain worsened on this trip due to eight hour car rides and seven hours on a plane, and nausea has come back badly, along with some migraines, but nothing has been too debilitating for my daily going-ons to be terribly affected.

Now that I am home I am moving my focus to improving my fitness and continuing to stick to my calorie budget. I really am less concerned with what my weight does, as the baby is actively putting on poundage and adding amniotic fluid at this point, and I know that if I am eating healthfully and being moderately active that the weight will take care of itself. So wherever the benchmark is on Monday, I will hold my head high for the next six months and let the pounds fall where they may. I am in control of my behaviors, not the scale, and will not fret over the random number generator if everything else is in line.

It's good to be back, loves!

The lab got back to me quite quickly, and the sample they had on hand tested completely normal for thyroid function. That's both good and bad - by my blood, at least, I am in optimum health, which is great news. But now I have a bevy of symptoms I can't shake and no explanation for them. Will they persist? Will they go away? What's causing them? I have no answers to any of this.

The nurse's best guess what that it was just a weird hormonal fluctuation that did this. It's possible, of course, but hard to believe my body would react to a normal pregnancy so differently this time around, and with symptoms not typical of pregnancy. As Diane suggested in the comments to the last post, it may have been weightloss as well - but I lost so slowly and gradually it's hard to believe that would have caused a nutritionally-related shed.

My only recourse right now is to keep an eye on the symptoms and keep measuring my thickness every month. If I don't lose more and none of the other symptoms get worse, I will just assume it was a freak occurrence and no underlying problems persist. If I am still having ongoing problems I am going to seek out a deeper metabolic panel to test things like liver enzymes and such and rule out some other possible cause.

I'm super healthy by every indicator but how I feel. Greeeeaaat.

Today and tomorrow have been/will be dedicated to cleaning and getting packed, my LEAST favorite part of travel (I always forget something), I just hope I have the energy to do what needs to be done. Tonight we're offloading my guinea pig to some kids in church to care for, and making sure no cloth diapers are left unwashed before we travel (ewwww.). Food-wise I am doing well today, though I have a headache I just can't shake and I didn't eat anything that would trigger a food-sensitivity-related headache. I just feel off, and it's not making my job any easier!

Add to that my sick toddler who has woken me up over a dozen times a night the past two nights, and who is running a 103.5 fever as of this afternoon (it did go down a few degrees with tylenol, thankfully), and this trip is becoming more daunting by the minute! She conked out for her nap within five minutes of going down, so I hope sleep does her good. On the upside, her little sister is happy as a clam and showing no signs of illness, despite constant swapping of water cups and 'sharing' of food (read: stealing it).

So this day has been... blah. Good and bad news, a bit challenging, and very exhausting (I will blame the daughter in lieu of an aberrant blood test). Here's to tomorrow being better!

Well I think I have made mention on here before that I thought I may have been anemic, because I was so tired, lethargic, freezing cold all the time, and generally out of it.

Last night I measured my hair circumference to see how it was doing (one of my hobbies is growing my hair down to my knees and learning elaborate updos, so I check the length and thickness from time to time) and I went from 4.5 inches of hair last year and over 4 inches in circumference in December, to just under 3.5 last night. I lost over half an inch in hair volume, after consistently measuring closer to 4.5 and even close to 5 most of my life. I have always had very thick, healthy hair and I noticed it seemed like my buns were a bit smaller, but I am horrified at just how much hair I have lost. That is NOT normal shedding at all, and given my battery of other symptoms I knew anemia was not the culprit.

I called my OB, alarmed by this new symptom, especially when hair retention is normal for pregnancy and certainly NOT hair loss, and they found my prenatal blood panels were perfect, no anemia or common deficiencies. The nurse also agreed with me on my tentative personal diagnosis - that all the symptoms are classic indicators of hypothyroidism.

It can be brought on during pregnancy and cause developmental issues in the baby if left untreated and severe enough, so I am having my blood tested specifically for a thyroid panel and an additional reactive test to see how much T4 is in my system at this time. A slightly low thyroid function isn't unusual for pregnancy, but to be this symptomatic I would probably be significantly deficient enough to require medication until it resolves on its' own (if it does).

Honestly, I am it glad to know I am not crazy and that these symptoms really ARE worse than in previous pregnancies, and not normal. I am really upset about my hair loss, it's about the only feature of my body I absolutely love and I already am dealing with shedding and crazy regrowth from Lilah's pregnancy... So I hope this IS hypothyroidism, if only because it is an ANSWER to what is wrong with me and easily treatable (and upon treatment my hairloss should stop, thank goodness).

If it is NOT hypothyroidism then I am stumped and will probably request a deeper metabolic panel - it is becoming debilitating, how sluggish and out of it I am, and the constant freezing body is interrupting my quality of life. I was so cold last night, in fact, it kept me from falling asleep for five hours. I am sitting in a 70 degree house in jeans, a long sleeved shirt, and still so cold I am almost shivering. Cold intolerance is a huge indicator for lagging metabolic function, which is essentially what hypothyroidism is, so it would be fabulous if that was indeed my issue and all my worst, most disruptive symptoms would be fixed.

Given these developments, I am under a bit of stress. The good news is that the baby looked fabulous upon analysis of the 1st trimester screening and NT test - healthy, normal, and at incredibly low risk for the most common genetic conditions. The OB also assured me that even a severely underactove thyroid would not affect the baby's development adversely in the beginning of pregnancy, which is why they removed a thyroid panel from their prenatal blood tests to begin with. Getting medicated would alleviate my symptoms, but it wouldn't benefit the baby much before the third trimester. The baby's thyroid should still develop normally even if mine is funky. The risks come toward the end of pregnancy, with blood pressure issues and preterm labor being the most common risks associated with hypothyroidism.

The lab happened to still have my blood from the prenatal panel last week, so they are running tests now and I should have a diagnosis by Wednesdau, before I leave town for two weeks. That way, if I am very deficient they should be able to get me a prescription for synthetic thyroid hormones before I leave (if need be).

At this point, it's just nice to know I am not being a hypochondriac and that hair loss like this indicates SOMETHING more is wrong with me than just normal pregnancy issues. This would be the easy answer - so I am praying I don't have to look for some other cause and that we pinpoint it in the first go-around.

In unrelated weight loss updates, my weight this morning was 212.4, but I am retaining dinner from last night, so I went with yesterday's weight that more accurately reflected my week's trend, which was 211.8. Not bad, not bad. I have had a resurgence of nausea and food aversions these past two days, so eating is becoming challenging again, but I am just doing the best I can. Exhaustion and lethargy have prevented me from moving ad much as I'd like (nice to know this may be chemical, not just a lack of will) but I will still set out to do my walking DVDs every day and evaluate how I feel as I go along.

My eating has been healthy and within the 1900-2000 calorie range most days, with some higher days on Ladies Craft Night (think knitting and junk food!) and a date night with my husband (which was sorely needed), but I am still happy to be maintaining in fairly the same weight range this week. As long as I am being mindful of the quality of my nutrients and what my body is telling me regarding hunger, I am doing just fine. Food journaling is still necessary accountability, and gain or lose I know I am doing what I need to be doing and the weight will take care of itself.

If I find out about the thyroid panel before we fly out I'll post an update, otherwise I'll get to it when I next have Internet. We have a lot to do before we go (including the housesitting arrangements for the guinea pig and plant watering, mail gathering, etc) so wish me luck in getting it all done without too much physical drag!

Since my previous post was such a downer, how about a set of belly pictures? It just so happens that my first progress shot in the mid-240's was in this same top, which was a maternity shirt. It fits quite a bit better now, and was HANGING pre-pregnancy.

So without further ado - 12 week belly shots!

I pop out VERY early with this being my third healthy pregnancy and being short, on top of that. I was probably this size around 24 weeks with my first daughter, and it just keeps happening earlier every time.

To give some perspective, as I said in the album on the sidebar my prepregnancy underbust measurement was 39 inches, and my waist was around 41, so I had almost a straight line down my torso with just a little hip pooch. Now, not so much. Let's check out the view from the top, for more perspective:

I *used* to me able to see my toes, but it takes a bit more neck craning now!

And as a finale, let's see a non-pregnant Taryl in the same top, around 40-ish pounds ago:

It ain't pretty, but it's the truth. The top, even as a maternity top (a size 16 from JC Penney's maternity section) is too loose for me now, I only wear it around the house. It was hideously tight and unattractively at 246.7 pounds, but my non-maternity clothes were a good two sizes bigger. I have lost a good 6-8 inches off my waist, and another 6 off both my hips and underbust (bust stayed the same), and now the same top fits me completely differently. Even with a baby belly it is loose through the bust, hangs down my back, doesn't fit closely at my waist or anywhere else. In this last picture it looks like I was poured into it! Ick!

So for all the fellow losers who may read this blog let this be an encouragement. I am still fat, still morbidly obese for my height, and I lose VERY slowly. But even with a growing belly I still look 1000x better than I did at my higher weights. It IS worth it, it DOES show, and watching myself in maintenance through pregnancy will absolutely pay off in me NOT wearing my maternity clothes a year after my baby is born, this time around.

Baby bumps = cute, even on a fat girl. Back rolls and a Santa belly? That's only cute if you're two feet tall and six months old, and definitely NOT worth keeping around. I will calorie count over looking like I used to ANY DAY of the week!